At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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