I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize