I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
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He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
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Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Come share oat with me in your robe
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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