Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
