No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
do nipples grow back?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
