Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Randomize
