Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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