I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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