Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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