I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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