Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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