I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
