I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
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went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
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I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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