Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
