I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
