I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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