In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
