3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
