1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
