went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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