Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
