dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
