im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
