We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
