i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
