i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I wish they made helmets for livers.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
