Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
