she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize
