I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
