Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Randomize
