i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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