sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
