i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
