so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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