The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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