Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
