my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Randomize
