I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
