I'm passing your future prison.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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