hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
