There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
