I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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