He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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