Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
