I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
