4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
