Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
sarcasm needs its own font
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
