my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
