You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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