I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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