I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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