i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
