I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
