I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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