so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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