he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
