Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
